13 thoughts on “Comment Wall

  1. Hi Jordan! Reading through your first story on your portfolio was super interesting, as I hadn’t read that story before or even heard of it until now. It honestly took me a couple times of reading the story and your authors note and going back-and-forth between the two to wrap my head around what the original story was first of all and then to see how you wrote it differently for your original story. Once I got that all figured out in my head, I’d have to say that your story was really well written! I liked how you changed it to be in first person like a dad telling it to his daughter as a bedtime story and you carry that theme throughout the whole story very well. I also think that your picture, while kind of creepy to me, fits very well. Good luck with the rest of your portfolio!

  2. Hi Jordan,
    I read your story about “Twenty-Two Goblins” and I really like how you made it a bedtime story. I think you did well on making it clear that the story time picked up where it left off when the father is telling his daughter these stories. I also chose “Twenty-Two Goblins” for reading and I love to read about the different stories within the story. I wish that you expanded on the backstory of the father and his daughter more. How old is his daughter? What did they do prior to the story that the father has to carry his daughter to her bed? Giving them a name would make them more relatable but I understand they really are not the main focus of the story. Then, maybe giving a name to the daughter of the king and the king himself would make them more personal. Overall, I really like your approach of making it a bedtime story.

  3. Hi Jordan!
    I really like how you start your story, “The Bedtime Tale”. Writing from the father’s point of view took me by surprise initially, and it was a really fun perspective. Also, making the reader kind of jump into the story midway was interesting and a natural cause to engage with the story more. Where does the goblin come from originally? I was slightly confused without the author’s note in the beginning. It might be a good idea to put that at the beginning to add some clarity, or maybe a sentence like, ‘That same goblin came back to pick up where we left off” or something similar to help. Or you could leave it how it is and it really draws the reader in. I think it just depends on what your goal for the writing and the interaction of the reader is!! Great work. This story was really creative, especially how you changed it from the original!

  4. Hi Jordan,

    Reading your story felt much different from reading other classmate’s stories, but in a fun way. I really enjoyed reading your stories as it really felt like I had just picked up a book and started reading it. I thought the tale told from the father’s perspective was cool as first-person story telling is something I have not explored yet. One thing I would say is that I know you meant to let the readers open up their imagination with this story, however, it can be difficult to follow as your author’s note cleared a lot more stuff up about the story than I wanted. Maybe it’s just me having difficulty personally with jumping into a story haha. Overall, I thought it was a really fun read and I applaud the way you told it!

  5. Jordan,

    I really liked how the daughter was interrupting throughout the story and how you decided to tell it as a bedtime story. I thought that was a very creative way to tell the story and it makes it like there is a story inside of another story, which is super awesome! I think having the daughter interrupt throughout the story was a great idea. Little kids love to interrupt and aren’t always the most focused, so I thought it portrayed her character very well. Who is the goblin and what’s the back story behind him? I would love to have some more background on the characters in the story and how they got to the point where they are today! I think it’s totally ok to jump right into the story as you did, but it would be helpful if you gave a little more surrounding information as to where these creatures have come from. How did the goblin become possessed? Overall, I thought you were very creative, and I look forward to seeing how the rest of your storybook pans out.

  6. Hey there Jordan!
    They way you retold Twenty-Two Goblins in “The Bedtime Tale” reminded me a bit of Arabian Nights, since I’m reading a story in which a king is telling a story, and in the king’s story we have a goblin telling a story…. It’s like inception for stories! I think this type of story is fun to read as long as it’s not too confusing, and in this case your story was easy to follow. I also must say I appreciated the disclaimer at the beginning of the story – I am the type to get more and more confused if I don’t have a good premise for the story I’m reading, so I checked out the author’s note first which helped the story be an easy read like I mentioned earlier. I notice you’ve already changed this and some other things based on previous comments, and I honestly believe the flaws have all been touched up on at this point. Great work!

  7. Hey Jordan,
    This was a very different style of story but I actually really enjoyed it. I think what made it so peculiar was the writing style but after reading the author’s note like you mentioned it helped a lot. What made you start the story off the way you did, was one question I had while reading. This week in particular we are focusing on images and how they aid in telling a story. I think the write images could amplify your story a ton. I noticed you don’t have an actual image for The Bedtime Tale but a very large header. Is there any particular reason for the image you chose? I’m not sure I can tie it with your story. One suggestion I may give for this story and the later ones are to include an image as well as a header. You can use the header to kind of portray the theme or setting and then the image for maybe a character of your choosing. Otherwise, your site looks nice, keep up the great work!

    1. Hello Jordan,
      Great tale! I like that you went with the bedtime story framework when deciding to recant this tale in the third person. I’m actually reading this while in bed so the tale was extra special! I think you might have a couple of extra quotation marks hanging on to the end of some paragraphs and you might want to eliminate “tells the story” in the first sentence of your author’s note. I really liked your image on the first story “The Bedtime Tale”, as it gives readers a quick visual of how you are describing this goblin! Will you be updating your home page picture after getting the ball rolling on stories 2/3? If not, do you have any connections to the books on the shelf? Looking forward to stories 2/3 and it’s good to see that you are receptive to feedback on your wall. Take care!

  8. Hi Jordan! I didn’t know what to expect going into your portfolio as your website seemed pretty generic. If you have time or any ideas for revisions, I would add some more interesting headers related to your stories on the main page and individual stories to spice up the site! The Bedtime Tale was very interesting, as I never heard that tale before, but your rendition was a fun read even if it was confusing at times! It was hard to tell that the father was speaking to his daughter in real life before transitioning into the story, so if you go back and revise that portion it would be much easier on new readers to understand the plot without having to refer to the author’s note. The City of Death story was much more coherent and was an enjoyable read. I liked the tale you used, as it was an interesting concept to learn that some culture’s idea of the afterlife is a community of your ancestors and how the dead end up finding a place to call home even if they have no blood family.

  9. Hi Jordan, I just finished reading your story based off Twenty-Two Goblins and I really enjoyed it! I really enjoyed reading the Twenty-Two Goblins tales in the readings for this semester and I like how you incorporated it into a bedtime story. Your little details with the little girl such as her asking questions about things she should not really be familiar with at her age as well as the details about she starts to fall her really create the setting of a bedtime story. For this week’s feedback, we are supposed to focus on paragraphs, and I believe that your paragraphs are perfect the way that they are. With dialogue, if you place multiple people speaking in the same paragraph, it can be quite confusing because it all seems to blend and it is difficult to figure out who is talking. Therefore, I think that the way you split your dialogue with each new line being a different person speaking is a great way to clarify who is talking and keeps the flow of the story steady. Overall, I really enjoyed reading your story and the creative way you retold the original.

  10. Hello Jordan,
    I enjoyed reading your story about Twenty-Two Goblins and I especially enjoyed how you made it a bedtime story which was different from what I have read so far. I think you did well on making it clear that the story time picked up where it left off when the father is telling his daughter these stories. I did not choose to read this story but I would love to read about the different stories within the story. One thing I would like to see on your storybook is that you expand on the backstory of the father and his daughter more. Readers may want to know how old is his daughter? What did they do prior to the story that the father has to carry his daughter to her bed? Perhaps providing them with names would make them more relatable but I understand they really are not the main focus of the story. Overall I really enjoyed the story and I hope you enjoy the rest of the semester!

  11. Hey Jordan!
    I read your story “A City of Death” and found it really interesting! Honestly right off the bat expected a horror story, as the main character woke up in a coffin and when he got out learned he was dead. However, I was pleasantly surprised when it was a heartwarming story of family living together even after death. The whole time while I was reading I was picturing the characters from Coco, while it’s not really the same story that is what I was seeing in my head. I really liked “The Bedtime Tale” as well, and how it was a story being told to the audience of his daughter in a story. Both stories were great in their own ways, in two different forms. Great work!

  12. HI Jordan!

    Right off the bat your stories were so interesting! I think you did a really good job of engaging the audience with your stories! I think you did a super good job of actually connecting your three stories even though they were separate. I know you did a portfolio, but all of your stories kind of fit together pretty well. I don’t know if that was intentional but I really enjoyed it. I love how all of your stories had a similar theme! I think you did a super good job of expressing yourself and being descriptive.

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